naked lady with big flower
Disclaimer: This may be more suited for my future therapist to review. Love yall! If you do end up reading this it is a bit heavy and about a sudden death of a friend/ (some) of my reactions
How many worlds do we live in at once? How many worlds do we jump into throughout our lives? Is jumping worlds as easy as jumping fences?
What kind of light was illuminating that day? I can’t completely remember it. I know for sure there was light, but what kind of light? It must have been dusk, the earth was definitely turning and the sun rays were beginning to shine on other things. It was still light out when I stepped out of my silver Volkswagen Jetta. I was wearing a faded black mini skirt, patterned black tights, white t-shirt, vest, b&w cheetah print adidas, breathing in air. I was looking forward to seeing all of my friends and people I really enjoyed being around, particularly Kyle, he was awesome, like a slightly older brother I never had. I wanted to catch him while he was eating food and talk about things friends might talk about, his energy invited this kind of feeling, I think, for the most part, people felt this way about Kyle – and if they didn’t, they ought to. Like usual I parked up and stepped out on the gravely pavement which led to the back fence. Susu, my fellow cocktail waitress and friend, steps outside the gate before I got there and immediately goes in for a hug, which is not unusual, she’s, my girl.
Hey Susu!
Hey Lulu, what are you doing?
Just about to clock in, I’m working with Kyle tonight.
Oh Lulu, they haven’t told you.
No…
Kyle’s dead, Lulu. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe they haven’t told you yet.
I really can’t remember the exact order of what happened next, I feel like I stepped inside and passed by the bar we were both supposed to be working that night and he wasn’t there, he would never be there again, with his leg propped up (on literally anything) and smiling. I was with Uncle J that night and he took care of that space, and we all had to dissociate until the end of the night, but every now and then I slipped back into my body and tears were pushed out of me. Do we cry because our soul gets so dense with emotion that we have to expel liquids to make space for it… like are our screams and tears are projecte to make that space for our inflamed souls? I feel like when I can’t do that, cry and scream, it’s because I have left my body temporarily, or something inside me has shut me down. I’ve noticed it a few times in my life and I made a promise to myself that when I recognize I’m shutting myself down that I will return back to me and feel everything as much of it as I can, as much of it as I will allow myself.
I remember drawing a naked lady with a big flower for him. I told him I thought of him when I made this. During his wake I gave that picture to his mother and said this is what his soul felt like to me. It was true, a beautiful feminine energy, who held life, something so delightful… OH YA, she was also wearing a big beautiful straw hat! That was him, no matter what he was to anyone else, I saw him, an earth angel, this free and naked human who wore a big straw hat and held an enormous flower in their hand.
* * * The morning after writing this* : Last night I felt like I needed a dopamine hit after writing this memory down. I usually write to get a lot of things out of my mind and body and I think I finally caught something about myself in doing that late last night. And what I caught was that something in this memory made me feel depleted, there’s a lot I didn’t say in this post, like leaving out most of the fucked up things that happened that night which had nothing to do with the person who died, but ultimately my need for some comfort and being left alone in my grief and dealing with it by the bottle. So I'm thinking now, I should really just get it out in the morning and then whatever craving for dopamine I have I can try and find that fix with something more healthy like going for a run or doing yoga (something beneficial) and not crave hugs and ice-cream
