light in a dark place
So I feel very ashamed of myself right now. Some people would say there is really no room for shame to exist, that it is a useless emotion but do we naturally feel shame? or is it that shame is a tool within shame societies, that if we do bad by the group we are shamed and punished for whatever it is that is deemed shameful during that time. I am not sure if I feel so much ashamed or if it’s to do with my own incompetence… Anyways the facts are I have not been keeping up the world, I have for the most part been hiding away to heal myself and it seems like I completely have closed my blinds to what is actually happening right now… so, I feel ashamed of myself for doing that, as an artist, as someone who cares about the world, to not be engaged is a crime. I don’t regret anything, I just learn more now about what I value, so though I feel this shame, it’s a reminder of what I believe in.
I would have walked out of the class if I wasn’t sick that day
below is an email I sent last year, 8 March 2024, 09:24
Good morning, I hope you're both well. Unfortunately, I'll miss the workshop today due to my cough/ voice progressively getting worse.
If you all are doing this today I fully support you guys from home.
Best wishes
Laura
After I sent this email, I also sent the link to my school group chat. After I sent this to my group chat I was soon to be treated like an instigator of violence. I was made to feel like I had no right to say this and people were insinuating that what I shared was a direct insult/violent act to people who were living in Israel at the time in my cohort. So, out of respect to those in my cohort, I deleted everything and left the group chats completely, even though I was not completely alone in my feelings about the occupation, war, and genocide I was supported in silence, in secrecy, it was so strange. I feel ashamed for backing off the subject because I made people feel uncomfortable. I wanted to be kind and make people feel comfortable - I wish I was more intelligent, I wish my words could be understood. But I can’t take it back, what I never did, and look at where we are today, the state of the world is even worse, and I feel like such a failure that I did not double down then. And for what is it worth now? I do not have time nor the capacity to investigate the state of affairs (I feel like I am not strong enough nor smart enough to get all the resources necessary to conduct the kind of research needed to write something impactful, I feel like I would need to quit my job and be supported by an organization (which would probably be considered a terrorist group - but as we have seen, politicians don’t understand what words mean anymore, terrorists could be equated to people who have empathy, in that case people who are carers and support workers like myself are the first to go, which is terrifying to actually consider. OR I could wait another few weeks to see what I can do about my highly-likely-ADHD-having-brain and if I can get medication that could possibly help me calm down and get all the work that I want to do written down where I am not completely overwhelmed and emotionally vulnerable. I am starting to change my diet to one that would benefit a brain like mine, to be calm, to slow down and string all the materials together. I feel like that is my missing piece of the puzzle.
Even though I felt some shame about my decisions in life I feel like I have done right by calling myself out and acknowledging what I don’t really like and take responsibility for it, and then changing or trying to understand why.
This is something I felt like I never needed to share with anyone but I want to share this because I feel like we need this to be known, that people can be emotionally intelligent, that our world is not a better place when we live in an ethnocentric society, or that we do not benefit from living in our own worlds and thinking that our world is the centre of the universe, and that empathy is a good thing, that caring for people is not an act of terrorism.
I repeat… caring for people is not an act of terrorism.
Laura
::::;;;;;; the next day:
11 May 2025
Notes:
When I spoke about people who spoke about shame, I really can’t rememeber who said that.. but I think it could have been this guy
ADHD Chatter: The No. 1 ADHD expert: How to master your ADHD - Dr. Ned Hallowell ——- @ minute 52:47-> … spoke about shame at some point, I can’t remember exactly when or what exactly he said or if he even spoke about how there is no room for shame to exist, that could have been someone else who said this, this is why I have to take really good notes or else that information is gone, or at least the names of people are, which is a bit annoying… but what Dr. Ned Hallowell did say “…you have to build the capacity to believe in yourself…”
“caring for people is not an act of terrorism” was inspired by a news dude that a friend shared with me and it was so frustrating to hear what has been going on in the US, let alone everything else that I’m barely aware of… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwdAEkJks8A … his news style is fun and engaging, very serious and dark humour and I understand that because what he is reporting on is terrible, is terrifying, and he makes jokes probably as a coping mechanism, which is what I do quite a lot! Something my old therapist mentioned I do quite often when I discuss traumas, or things that are horrible.
“politicians don’t understand what words mean anymore” … was a comment on two occasions, one being Rep. Keith Self misgendering of Rep. Sarah McBride during a House subcommittee meeting…two being Rep. Andy Hooper not knowing about intersex
link to one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wXmSyhPJQY
“151,729 views 11 Mar 2025
151,729 views • 11 Mar 2025
A House subcommittee hearing on arms control, international security and U.S. assistance to Europe derailed Tuesday afternoon after members of Congress confronted each other over properly naming a congressperson who is transgender. Rep. Keith Self, the Republican subcommittee chairman, called on Rep. Sarah McBride, D-Del., to question the witnesses and referred to her as “Mr. McBride.” McBride, a transgender woman, is the first transgender person elected to Congress in U.S. history. As McBride began her turn questioning the witnesses, Rep. William Keating, the top Democrat on the subcommittee, interrupted and asked Self to repeat his introduction of McBride. Self said his introduction was based on the fact that Republicans “have set the standard on the floor of the House.” Keating asked Self to explain the standard and added, “Would you repeat what you just said when you introduced a duly elected representative from the United States of America?” After Self repeated his previous introduction of McBride, Keating said the congressman was “out of order.” “Mr. Chairman,” Keating asked, “have you no decency?” When Self said that “we will continue this hearing,” Keating said that he will not be a part of the proceeding “unless you introduce a duly elected representative the right way.” Self then adjourned the hearing.”
link to two
https://www.advocate.com/politics/texas-republican-doesnt-know-intersex#rebelltitem1
“…The incorrect claim prompted Republican Rep. Valoree Swanson, the lead author of the state's transgender sports ban who had been standing next to Hopper at the podium, to tug on his sleeve and say to him quietly — but loud enough for the microphone to pick up — "Andy, that's not true."
There are currently over 40 known intersex variations, according to the Intersex Society of North America, which can cause individuals to make more or less estrogen or testosterone than average, be more or less sensitive to those hormones, have different sizes and appearances of their genitals, and have variations in their X and Y sex chromosomes.
The most common intersex variations are due to differences in chromosomes, such as Klinefelter syndrome (XXY), Turner syndrome (X0), and triple X syndrome (XXX). About 2 in every 100 births have an intersex variation, according to multiple sources — around the same as the number of people with red hair.
Not all intersex people identify as LGBTQ+. They may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, female, male, both, or neither.
Simmons filed a point of order against Hopper, and after over an hour of debate, the House ultimately voted against the amendment.”
of course, I could probably site many more if I did any research at all.
