german chocolate
I messed up the cake recipe last night and it turned out all chewy. I’m going to try and save it today and assemble small chewy german chocolate cakes. will see how it goes.
Thinking about why I was scared to start the march yesterday. Why I am I scared of the snake, who is actually going to bite me? I might just take a leap and see what happens. Remember what Audre said right? (referencing Jan 14th beyond understanding) But I think Audre also meant that we need to be understanding of what we say, understand it as fully and with as much care as possible. This is my take, this is the bag I filled and kept with me.
So I was going to go on a monologue of a memory that made an appearance when I was feeling like a fraud, like a bad person, like a hypocrite. This is the worst feeling to me, to feel disingenuous. So maybe today I’ll swallow that frog, or grab the snake by its head and stick it in the bag…
a portion of what I meant to post yesterday… because I am still scared to share everything.
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There’s a very happy baby sitting in front of me, just looking at the world, receiving energy and I tried to give that little soul a big smile and sunshine, and that’s what all babies, little souls need is happiness, sunshine, love (and when I say little souls, I only mean little souls because babies are so tiny, not saying that this particular baby’s soul is small, it could be a mile or a planet wide, I don’t know, I don’t know anything about that kind of thing.)
Who are you Laura? Hi there, are you also a star? Yes, mam, I am. Have you struck someone before?
yes.
I think
and I feel that snake going crazy in my chest. I feel and hear it say, “oh, yes, that nerve, what nerve she has, of course she has struck people, and people have struck her.”
The snake shakes inside me and brings back a memory. The snakes body whirls inside my chest and the vision of a night I went crazy (crazy what do you mean by crazy, why the word “crazy”? it wasn’t crazy, you were calculated and cold, you were a scorned snake, smart and cunning, and evil) pops up. When I knew the man, a man who was of the many men who bared my dad’s body into the earth, a man who cheated on me because he thought I’d never be happy again, a man who sewed my garden and then in terror regretted that years harvest (both deciding to burn it to the ground, truly a ladies work, the man who left me alone in a fire while he slept), a man who tried me again (I can’t remember what he said, either it was something to do with borrowing more money again or using my car for something, who knows) while I was driving to my friends house to shoot some footage for a music video and I threatened to crash the car. I swerved into the other side of the road to scare the shit out of him.
And this is the part of the monologue I thought, fuck, I’m really not proud of that. That’s the part I thought, I’m crazy. There was no care, it was a personal attack on him, it was something I knew he would hate, it’s something I knew he wouldn’t have expected. I wanted him to feel awful and it worked.
I don’t think I’m that woman anymore, I mean I have that capacity, but I wouldn’t put myself in that position again, I’d hope. What would I do now? Not be with him, that’s it. This man I speak about is somewhere. I have no clue. One of the last things I told him was to “fuck off” which I never wanted to do, but the guy I was seeing and living with at the time, gave me an ultimatum, saying that if I didn’t tell him to “fuck off” that I was a fraud, that I was lying about all of what I had been through with him, psychologically putting me through a ringer, I remember the first time I opened up it felt as if he had pushed my body against a wall metaphorically, my chest actually felt like it went inside my body. I was scared. I just wanted peace. And it’s something I’ll always regret. And I’ll never be put in that position again either.
Snake crawl back in your fucking hole.
Speaking of, snakes like ribbons.
I see them.
(insert picture of those beautiful paintings)
I see them, Wiebke… I see your dancer, the snake, the idea, the full expression. A ribbon connecting life + death + spirit? Connectors like a rainbow. Could snakes be a bridge? Are snakes rainbows? Are snakes bridges? (I am thinking in terms of norse mythology, how rainbows and unicorns are seen as the bridges between realms)
I made a pilgrimage to South London Gallery and saw Christina Kimeze paintings and it gave me this (above starting with “snake like ribbons…)
She looks like a tree, flailing arms and branches out, so natural, spirit, that keeps coming into my mind and the word soul, “soul + spirit”
Our colours are so beautifully/ beautifully?- I’d like to not say that word, what I mean this image feels more like a pride of our universe’s spectrum, a language of colour, and she speaks it with great confidence. Her speech is Shakespearean, if only I knew more about Shakespeare. All I know is my mother loves Shakespeare, so, I must know something of Shakespeare. If I know my mother then I must know Shakespeare.
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So what was the point of sharing this, well I want to introduce the snake. It’s a new thing I’ve been referring to as the animal who brings memories, I don’t particularly want to visit. But I think the snake is really interesting, I feel like I have more involvement with the visits (with the feelings) and I can let the snake crawl back into its hole. The snake is uncomfortable but it’s also healing. I’m trying to see the snake as something for my overall benefit.
Another point is to respect Audre Lorde and do better, as in to be more authentic, to be less terrified, to be powerful.
Another point is to remember, as best as I can what I am going through right now. I feel like it’s important. I’d like to remember this time. I’m quite fond of it. Benefits of this being my time right now, running towards myself, slowly but surely. I feel like it’s more like crossing, like crossing a body of water to my island.
links to some of the mentioned artists and places above.
