do u have any questions for us

can we build a sanctuary ?

do you know anyone who’s in a cult? (my best friend growing up admitted that they were in one but idk if they meant it for real, it seemed like they did)

i was in a strange christian walk through theatre put on by the southern baptist church in northwest florida based around the judgement… plot of the story would be that at least two people died, one who was saved and one who wasn’t … then you’d have the funerals (of course advertising the local funeral home)…. then you’d walk through the judgement with your group… the judgement was a big scary cloaked figure who had a deeply modulated voice who’d say the saved one would go to heaven (escorted to heaven by small children in white angel outfits) the not saved one was not on the list so he was sent to hell (little demon kids would pop out of the side of the stage and drag the screaming person into the depths of hell)… anyways the group would then be led to the hell then heaven… so first stop was hell… and hell was set up in a separate building not attached to the main fair ground building so before you went through you’d have to sign a waiver because it was really hot, dark, and scary, people could pass out potentially… kinky i know… anyways it was like a hellish electronic goth themed kind of labyrinth with demons body slamming the sinners sunday night RAW wrestling style into a foam pit of pseudo-fire… it reminds me a lot of torture garden actually but with all the shame… so heaven… heaven was not hot, it was very pleasant, shiny, silky, feathery white angels singing and signing the words to popular contemporary Christian songs… and then your group went into a room with chairs to listen to the call to action, there were booths where people could enter to talk to someone from the church.. they ask if you want to be saved or not… its super easy, it won’t take long, we also have people here to help… that is the whole thing

scare people, bring them through an entire infomercial theatre of salvation to rack up numbers for the church or for more wholesome reasons. but it was super fun to be in the acting of it, i was a dead person in one of the scenes…

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i’m asked

do you have any questions for us?

can you help me make puppets? I’m really interested in puppetry at the moment

gosh why can’t i sit still

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i’m sure the stars, moon, and planets know what the clouds mean when a gush of winds breaks a hole into it’s body.

“the middle way”, is a phrase and spiritual practice, Buddhist practice or teaching, that has popped up in my life, like it just shows up on the tv or in conversation, podcasts, etc…, the phrase, and the concept is something that I already practice in my own way, my own definition of the middle way, is laura’s middle way.

laura’s middle way

on my best day I can see my biases on both ends of me, of having significance and also none at all… being in a cycle of some sort, a genuine cycle

that this is not forever but continued evolution, of remembering,

things being replaced

naturally decaying and multiplying…

folding in like dough

,,,

today I was not on the middle way, I was on a wave,

and the wave I was on today has been showing up in my life more frequently lately.

so, instead of watching just acknowledging my more dense thoughts,

like seeing a passing storm, or watching a dog run around my head,

I’ve been pulled by them, like a rip current…

and I spoke to people I love while I felt like I was drowning at the edge of it.

tears are uncontrollable at this place,

it’s hard to speak to people at all,

to speak and be witnessed brings me to tears,

when at a time I don’t want to be witnessed, in the rip current I don’t want to be anything at all, and it’s been a situation I hate to put people I love through or to see because I would want people, especially those I know and love, to be at peace and not ever feel like that, like me, but it is normal to experience this, i am

I’m a person

I’m a person

resilient

managing it

my body now is out of the rip current and floating on the ocean and it’s exhausted and I feel dumb and isolated from the people who love me who are on the shore. there’s social parts of me, anxious parts of me, that think maybe they won’t want to be around me anymore because of it, why go to the sea with someone who is dumb enough to get into the water, didn’t she see the shark tooth pattern in the waves? and it’s all words that have stunned me in the past, social situations that have been said to me before, by people who were close to me in my world. and now I repeat because it’s a learned behaviour, I mimic to survive around certain folks, general populations of people who may or may not be a threat. isn’t it silly that I’m trying to figure out if it’s really done for survival or if I’m trying to punish myself in a way that doesn’t make it look obvious - if only i could remember a time that i believed in god - i remember the feeling though, the day I stepped outside of my little room in my head and saw how many doors were actually in my building… i wanted to tell everyone i woke up, literally, i know people overuse the term woke but it was a significant awakening… and i’ve have multiple profound awakenings since then… and i guess will continue to expect that one may happen again at any time…

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worlds. I’d like to be a witch living in a magical archipelago. and I could very well do that if I choose to.

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it’s really easy right now for me to see all the flaws,

i stop writing and I think to myself,

why aren’t you writing about ice right now and more important evils of the world.

why not focus on the bigger picture,

why are you so selfish? and

I feel like I want to answer these people

in my head.

they have a point, maybe?

if I’m saying this to myself right?

if someone else were to share this

I would be empathetic,

I would respond, actually,

I’ve been there before,

it feels like the world isn’t real anymore

for moments even though I know there is

sensations

and must there always be a sanctuary? how do I remember it?

feeling as though I’ve been plunged through a ocean by a giant god and appear dry as a bone…

would I be believed?

would a judge rule in my favour?

would tiny children dressed in devil costumes drag me away to an inferno of suffering?

who carries the weight of these decisions alone in their hearts?

how can they be let go, in the silence, in the witness of things you can never hear or see?