consciously going to hell
I felt the most comfortable at night. I feel closer to the sky when the sun is away - darkness covering my shoulders. The evenings are warm. I step outside of my car and feel overwhelming relief. A warm breeze brushes my body and electricity shudders through the back of my spine and I sink more into comfort. I tune into the ocean and the world buzzing around us. I propelled to the sand, my nervous system soothed from sinking into each step, each grain gifting me softness. what was once a stiff mountain and skeletons protecting the nervous system of another animal is now gently caressing my body. The moon is out and shining in the east and a small thunderstorm is picking up momentum in the west. I stand as witness. the rolling clouds greet me with lightning.
I’ll never forget you
A YEAR LATER
I stand looking down the hill. Beyond the hill are the chalk cliffs, beyond the cliffs is the English channel, within this is life.
No one is allowed out really, but no one comes out here especially when the sun is clouded, but I don’t mind I like overcast, everything is so clear when the contrast of shadows is subdued. I’ve felt pointless, like the life others don’t care to acknowledge between the edge of the cliff and English Channel. I feel the mushrooms now. I feel like the breeze is crispier, air is a green apple, and I walk beside the cliff and look at how wide and tall it is. I imagined if it were a massive speaker and I could see it vibrate. I’m sure that would make it crumble completely so I wouldn’t wish for that really. I decide to sit near the water. I don’t feel so alone here. I feel connected with the water with this edge, what lies underneath, and I’m sure they feel the same about me above. I was in motion with the water, I felt like neither of us could have been in existence without the other. I felt in everyone moment, everything I saw and felt could not exist without the other, the air is still a green apple.
I’ll never forget you
I was getting myself together, that’s what it felt like, it felt like I was a tidepool organism who needed to get itself together quickly before the tide rolls in and sweeps me away again, I need to secrete cement, to feel grounded someplace.
“THE DEVIL WANTS YOU”
It is best that I go to hell consciously. At the moment I am open to going there. To think about why the Devil actually wants me to be down there with them. I genuinely don’t know.
At the moment it doesn’t seem scary. I have felt intense fear, fear that took control of my body, fear that I didn’t know existed within me shown itself without notice, without a knock at the door, it showed me that I could be capable of things I don’t know about. Though in that particular moment what I did was uncontrollably run away, I couldn’t help but run and hide and do anything to not be where I was, my throat closing up and my body curling itself into knots and adrenaline. I screamed at people to get away, I begged and cried and begged to not go near that road. I wanted to fly as far away as I could. My body did that for me without any help, it didn’t feel like a choice, is what I am saying.
I’ve been told I can go through hell consciously and come back, that I am lucky that I have the choice to do it that way and even like it.
I feel like I can do that.
I just need to be able to timetable it in
