rubber sky fci
can we normalize talking about normal things… acting like it’s a burden stops communication and the end of communication is not really helpful… i think a community who speaks to each other about real shit is one that creates a space where people can cope w this trip and it could be a lot more fun, easy and warm … just a thought / case to be debated …. something to be written about —- futuristic community idea
tacky rubbery window panes
I did all the good things I could do for my brain today.
yesterday I felt the energy that doesn’t escape
whatever functions out the window
public show is so difficult
the theatre of it all is so difficult
but i’m a professional
and i’ll say sorry once to myself
and that's good enough
and i move on
soooo today
i was thinking of dysphoria and the kind I have sometimes
as you would think about maybe winter times at your childhood home in the french alps or whatever (that was a completely random refence i have no relation to the french alps i grew up in northwest florida [and have never been in a big pile of snow])
so the kind i have if i were to define it - i physically feel uneasy (like a bunch of electricity is in my body and circulating, no where to get out [being squeezed helps calm]) - i cannot speak well or i lose the capacity to speak much of anything except for basic “words, can’t” - this is my bodily reaction that visits me and I’m working on getting better at coping w those visits… in the hopes to make them shorter or less distressing. -
so I feel a dysphoria in not knowing myself or my function in the world… for a while I could easily come up with every reason how, technically, I (if you didn’t think of others personal attachments and feelings towards me) could easily be forgotten, and easily be just another part of the whole (which I am still, and feel neutral about… just content…), but in the case that my existence was one like that of a feeling of nothing, that my existence was as significant as a grain of sand and the sun at the same time, but with no emotional attachment to either of those things anyway… it was sad like I could just easily not deal with the feelings of being rejected, being left behind, being loved, being, being, being, being. and it was a way to cope and a way to avoid and a way to make it make sense make the pain of what will be lost eventually not so bad, an awareness of the totality and points and the points of all the points of functions are just points like stars are stars are stars
tthough the reason why I am typing today! i’ve made another case in my head. one that seems like it could be more acute to my situation on this earth- I’m beginning to investigate more ways that I am functioning on this earth, what my point is in this bag of meat… I could be…
a catalyst for other peoples dreams - to a minor or major extent - depending
i’m powerful person who helps other people raise their frequency to a place that benefits the whole - to be debated. and i’m kept in the swing of the architects and selfishly/easily supported by them, just enough that I can be comfortable. it would nice if everyone was more aware and felt more comfortable with Pluriversal realities. when i am on an even feeling then i can see it clearly. when my dysphoria goes down the loop of there’s no point to write anything it can feel like an awful time to feel gravity (that’s not why I haven’t been writing much lately btw… I’ve just moved back to the states and wonderfully acclimatizing myself again in the best way)
dysphoria - i feel like i’ve made some minor mistake or have mispoke/ confused words which will make it harder to understand me.
I’m just a soul whose intentions are good oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood…
such a beautiful string of words… if finding a string of words like that means writing for the rest of my life then i have to do that… even in the case that i’ll never write something nearly close to those who i truly admire and who i think are worth giving time to… and this again comes back to me feeling like I’m not worth reading… why do I feel like this? it is a strange feeling and not a helpful one in the creative process. this is another loop i can get caught in easily.
i’ll apologize to myself this once and move on.
that’s been helping a lot. training my brain to accept my one time apology. takes up less space in my head which is a gift.
it’s hard to claim to be an artist or a writer or person who people could “take seriously” (I really don’t understand this phrase - it’s so relative and meaningless in so many ways - and more than likely the thing to be taken seriously doesn’t actually need to be taken seriously, even me, ever … but isn’t that okay? i can be silly but still profound… profoundly silly.. ie woke silliness)
i need to go to bed now because i have my first 4 am shift tomoz. i’m actually really excited about this… i have a feeling majority of people who read this may feel concerned about me but like I said in the beginning these are thoughts I have like, they are completely normal and my minds moves through an entire universe of wild terrains and this is just one of those points on the map you’ve happened to land on today. tomorrow it will be somewhere else, new spots to keep unlocking all the time
also wanted to jot these down quickly before i go to bed
..
host for organisms / food for other living organisms / everything is eating everything
(someone who i love dearly told me this - which I love ) this is the dmt, we’re in the trip now
