my safe vortex
my safe vortex
yes, mine
it’s mine
maybe, yours?
maybe, not yours?
But it’s kind of mine
vortex - I guess - I can’t stay in it for too long
I mean it’s a vortex, you kind of have to just go through it
so it’s a safe one eh
ya
safe vortex
my safe vortex
Swirling anyways
why can’t I just live in the swirl?
Is it ours? I guess so, but you don’t believe it’s yours, or you do, and its really not, I can’t say with hundred percent certainty that it’s even a real thing, but technically just by me saying it exists I’ve done did created the damn thing.
So, there’s a vortex
It’s swirly
It’s like this electric blue swirly whirl pool that you see when you crawl inside a kids plastic igloo on their sandy playgrounds. That’s where I saw my first one in a dream when I was little
I’ve probably told this recollection so many times now
I remember the others around me didn’t want me to go in, some were holding others back. I didn’t know why they didn’t want to go into the awesome looking swirly thing
It might take a long time before I know the answer, I’ve been going around possibilities in my head and after I’m done circling those possibilities I turn around… there’s a flank around my soul that blurs the truth. It’s so difficult, these words, how irresponsible the angels have been, again, I look behind me and I want to be told I’m wrong. Am I the creator of the universe? If so why have I created such confusion in myself, why can’t I be clear, and when I am clear, why do others shove me into corners, ever. I’ve learned to stay clear of those who might shove me, survive, those spaces, but again, if I am the creator of the universe, why do we create this? And for the first time I see myself speaking as them, and I in this moment I am they/them. In most of the time I am she/her, because she is my home, my safe space, they/them come at other times of clarity. What does that make me then? Why does this creator of the universe have to choose at all, but Laura is safe in her vortex, while we get through these cycles of life, and she feels like everyone will understand this in some time or another, they won’t be so scared of her going into the vortex, she is okay, to separate herself from them, because she knows they are always present, she and they are always here.
This is my safe vortex, no one needs to comment on this. This is for me. For those that I love, for those I don’t know, I assume someone is reading this might consider what I’ve said, critique it, do whatever they are inclined to do with it, my soft bubble of an offering, I imagine these people holding a soft pink bubbly (slightly weighty) blobby that feels the perfect temperature in the palm of their hands… that’s how I see this entire post as a physical object. People can pick it up if they want but why critique a little pink blobby thing in your hand I think that would just be silly. And I’ve said this in a way to protect myself from that critique, or that possibility to be rejected, I don’t find it difficult to comprehend someone rejecting an object that seems kind of useless… so if people were to reject me it wouldn’t hurt as bad, I can see that’s what just happened.
And they say I’m brave for doing this, and I’ll take that as it is, but in the same instance I am a coward. i want to be loved gently and known, seen, and that be enough, and slowly appreciate as much beautiful things as I can. quietly loving everything, and it creeps onto me the spider of love, and connects me to all my friends, family, and loved ones, and that’s the creator I am offering my fears and shortcomings to, imagining them as flies for this spider of the universe to eat. And like these feelings arise from my core and from the festering of wounds I offer to the web for her to eat.
